I was thinking.. How should I begin this blog letter? Dear Shagunk? Like how Yasmin Ahmad wrote Toffee to refer to a particular person in her personal journal entree? But Shagunk sounds a bit rempit and your initial is too obvious. So out of all your never-ending nicknames, I shall go with North Star. Like the first playlist I ever made you, For North Star.
I wrote this letter last night, and I thought of sending it to you over the weekend. But I don't think I have the guts to. So being the chicken I am, I am writing down the letter here thinking maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't.
So here goes nothing;
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Dear North Star,
There's so much that I'd like to say to you. So much that I have been keeping to myself. But where do I even begin? Is it even possible to tell them all? They are all scattered around now. From my sorrows to my happiness, even to my confusion. Do you have any idea that even by talking to you could make me happy? Remember when I told you that I felt giddy? You thought it was because I just went for a run. But I knew exactly the reason behind it, it was because of you. I think I haven't talked to you for a few days and when I did, this feeling of giddiness just came to me inevitably. Sometimes I hate myself for allowing you to have that effect on me.
A part of me wants to stop talking to you and move on for good, although I have no clue how that would turn out. But a part of me still wants to stay and give us a chance. You are my bestfriend still, even when the romance is no longer there. I am so glad that I can still talk to you as a friend like before. Sometimes I want to say I love you or call you sayang, or having you to tell me your usual "goodnight baby" so bad. Then I realized that those things should not be muttered no more. I retsrained myself from doing so. Occasionally I just want to ask you questions like "Do you still love me?" or "Have you completely lost your feelings towards me?" because you sure as hell make me feel that way. Then again, I stop myself from doing so. I thought oh, give it some time. Wait for him to come back and see where things go from there. Don't rush into things, if things are meant to be they will be. Don't pressure him any further because the last time I asked for closure he never gave any. You know, I waited for you that night. I waited because I just would not stop crying and I just wanted to know how you feel about this mess. I wanted you to tell me to stay but I had a feeling you were gonna tell me otherwise. I just wanted for the crying to stop. And so I waited that night, but the truth never came. You were tired, you said. Then you wished me goodnight.
Now I am not so sure if I want a closure anymore. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. If I were to be honest with myself, maybe I am just afraid of the truth. Maybe the truth is not something that I anticipated, not what I wanted to hear. I am comfortable this way, although I can't deny the feeling of longing that comes to me. I miss how we were and what we could have become. Call me pathetic, I know I am. But I feel happy just being able to talk to you even as a friend. To know how you are doing, to know that you're okay.
But maybe, just maybe, it is time for me to step out of my bubble?
You tell me.
Love,
Ashent pishen
(kroo kroo signing out)
I wrote this letter last night, and I thought of sending it to you over the weekend. But I don't think I have the guts to. So being the chicken I am, I am writing down the letter here thinking maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't.
So here goes nothing;
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Dear North Star,
There's so much that I'd like to say to you. So much that I have been keeping to myself. But where do I even begin? Is it even possible to tell them all? They are all scattered around now. From my sorrows to my happiness, even to my confusion. Do you have any idea that even by talking to you could make me happy? Remember when I told you that I felt giddy? You thought it was because I just went for a run. But I knew exactly the reason behind it, it was because of you. I think I haven't talked to you for a few days and when I did, this feeling of giddiness just came to me inevitably. Sometimes I hate myself for allowing you to have that effect on me.
A part of me wants to stop talking to you and move on for good, although I have no clue how that would turn out. But a part of me still wants to stay and give us a chance. You are my bestfriend still, even when the romance is no longer there. I am so glad that I can still talk to you as a friend like before. Sometimes I want to say I love you or call you sayang, or having you to tell me your usual "goodnight baby" so bad. Then I realized that those things should not be muttered no more. I retsrained myself from doing so. Occasionally I just want to ask you questions like "Do you still love me?" or "Have you completely lost your feelings towards me?" because you sure as hell make me feel that way. Then again, I stop myself from doing so. I thought oh, give it some time. Wait for him to come back and see where things go from there. Don't rush into things, if things are meant to be they will be. Don't pressure him any further because the last time I asked for closure he never gave any. You know, I waited for you that night. I waited because I just would not stop crying and I just wanted to know how you feel about this mess. I wanted you to tell me to stay but I had a feeling you were gonna tell me otherwise. I just wanted for the crying to stop. And so I waited that night, but the truth never came. You were tired, you said. Then you wished me goodnight.
Now I am not so sure if I want a closure anymore. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. If I were to be honest with myself, maybe I am just afraid of the truth. Maybe the truth is not something that I anticipated, not what I wanted to hear. I am comfortable this way, although I can't deny the feeling of longing that comes to me. I miss how we were and what we could have become. Call me pathetic, I know I am. But I feel happy just being able to talk to you even as a friend. To know how you are doing, to know that you're okay.
But maybe, just maybe, it is time for me to step out of my bubble?
You tell me.
Love,
Ashent pishen
(kroo kroo signing out)
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