I had a dream, a really good one indeed. I don't remember what it was about, but I felt happy. My heart felt light and jovial as if I was lifted off my feet, flying like a kite in the clear blue sky and cotton candy clouds basking God's entrancing magnificence. I was in a state of euphoria, one might say.
And then I was no longer a kite. I was pulled indomitably to the ground and the sound of a bursting ring of the telephone pounded in my ears. I opened my eyes and knew that the overwhelming euphoria that I had was merely a dream. I was back into reality, but something felt different this time. Something felt.. off. Like my heart had been treated as a punching bag by professional boxers. My eyes were swollen as if they were stung by bees from crying all night. The sound of the telephone kept ringing and I realized what was the cause of melancholy I was feeling. I took a glance at the clock, it was 8.10am. Reluctantly, I woke up and finally answered the interminable ringing. A familiar voice came and it was my mother, asking at what time does the funeral start.
The news broke my heart into pieces and until now I don't think that it has been mended. But I know it must be worse for my cousins. Yes, my uncle had passed away from a heart attack. This post is mainly for Nur Farahiyah, my dearest cousin who has been so strong and I know she will continue to be but that's not what I'm here for. I'm not here to tell you to be strong, or to be patient with this challenge that has hit you or how great of a man your late father was. Because we all know that he really was a great man. And holding up your feelings won't do you any good so just let it all out now, (except for throwing up part please eat something I'm really worried!!). Let the tears flow. It's okay to be vulnerable. And it's OKAY to smile and laugh because you need that, crucially! I'm here to tell you that I understand, because I've been through it too, remember? Of course I know that it's worse for you because you weren't prepared, everything seemed perfect. There weren't any signs that could've shown that he was leaving us all. One thing we have in mutual, we both were not there during our late father's last breath. And I'm sorry, I am so sorry for what happened. For me, and for you. None of us planned for things to be this way but at the end of the day, everything lies in the hands of Allah kan?
You spent more time with arwah Paklang than I did with my late father so you're closer to him than I ever was with my dad. I am not comparing, I am just saying that things are harder for you than it was for me. I'm sorry that you have to go through this at a young age. But just know that we are all here for you, never think that you're alone in this world. You'll miss him, undoubtedly. Who wouldn't? For the next few years after my father left this world, I saw him to wherever I went to. I saw him at the hospital, I saw him at the malls, I saw him in my dreams. I couldn't accept the fact that he was really gone. Heck, I used to imagine that he was out there somewhere, hiding. And that one day I would see him again. It was like a nightmare that never ended. But babe, it's true when people say that time heals. Today, I can speak to people about my late father without feeling like I've been dragged down to the deepest core of the earth, without my heart throbbing or without tears careening down my cheeks. It gets hard sometimes, I'm not saying that you'll totally get over his death. But the grief gets better eventually. I still miss my late father, I pray for him everyday. Remember, praying is very important. Even a simple al-fatihah after your daily prayer makes a difference. Always remember him in your deeds. When you're reciting the Quran, when you donate, or any simplest deed that you can think of, always intend to donate your reward to him. In Shaa Allah his rewards will continuously flow and he'll be placed amongst the religious.
I hope everyone is kind enough to pray for my late uncle no matter of what race or religion. This is quite an emotional post. Maybe it's time for me to study for my bio quiz tomorrow.. I KNOW RIGHT?! Bio quiz? In the midst of everything? And it's almost 3am so there shall be no sleep for me tonight. Zzzzzz. *dozes off slowly.........*
Oh and happy turning 17, Nur Farahiyah! We'll get through this, alright? Together with your mum and your sisters. I'll be there for you like you were there for me, I love you. *hugs*
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